So, obviously being in the hospital full time, away from all of my other kids, getting multiple IV’s a week (feeling like a freaking pin cushion! Lol) is NOT ideal. This past week if I’m being completely candid and open, I have really struggled with focusing and thinking on the GOOD things as God has asked us to do. So, I am using this post (selfishly) as a way of journaling and writing down all of the GOOD things- because there are SO many. I want to refocus my thinking.
Just this last week God allowed me a perspective that I was SO thankful for, in a moment that I was feeling so sorry for myself. There was a day where my contractions had picked up and I was hooked to the monitor, the IV, and Silas was having a few decelerations in his heart rate with some of the comtractions. I was feeling overwhelmed, sad, scared, confused, and honestly just wondering what the heck is coming on this road ahead, during this seemingly LONG journey. Sitting in the bed, hooked up, the tears began to flow, and for those of you who know me- I’m not really a crier. But wow-did the flood gates open in this particular moment! I started to pray out loud, “God I can’t do this!” “I need to be with the kids, I cannot go through another loss- PLEASE let Silas be ok” just crying out pleading with God, from a place of complete desperation. Very quickly though, as I continued to pray, the tears slowed down and my mind was filled with a different perspective of where we are right now.
One, two even seven years ago, if I had seen someone going through exactly what I am going through right now- my heart would have hurt for them. I would have wanted to do everything I could do to help, but in all honesty- a part of my brain would have thought “Well at least you are pregnant and the baby is healthy. I would sign up for 9 months of that if it meant I got to be pregnant again and carry a healthy baby.” Which was, and more importantly, STILL IS true.
I was so thankful in that moment, sitting in the same bed I’m writing from right now, that the Holy Spirit allowed me to get outside of the feelings and the heaviness of that moment, and have a different perspective and a different heart for where I am at right now. We have so much to be thankful for. I am pregnant- which in and of itself is a miracle. Silas is healthy. The doctors saw the thin lining and now have me in the safest place for both of us until they can get him safely here. We have ALMOST made it to 28 weeks- which is a huge milestone for babies. Their chances of survival are more than 90% at that point. We have so much family that is able to, and WILLING to help. We have friends everywhere that are supporting us, in so many ways from bringing food to sending flowers and gift cards, and most importantly LOTS of people praying for us. THAT is where I am going to choose to have my mind dwell in the coming weeks. (Recognizing fully that there will still be bad days.)
So to sum up this shorter update- Silas is still healthy and growing! He weighed in at 2lb 7oz last week which means he gained almost a full pound in just a little over two weeks! (HUGE PRAISE) I am here, and STILL PREGNANT! I have an amazingly supportive husband who barely leaves my side, continues to make me laugh and has done EVERYTHING to make this room as much like home as possible. (The nurses here love him) We were able to have Neriah up for a “sleepover” this week, which was a big help for this Mommy’s heart. And finally, the Lord has given me a new perspective that is sustaining me through the harder days.
And for those of you praying, here is the list of prayer requests for the week!
Silas stays healthy and continues to grow with minimal decelerations happening.
That I can KEEP this perspective, regardless of what is to come, and remain thankful and acknowledge that God is GOOD ALL THE TIME- no matter the circumstances and no matter the outcome.
For sunny days! (Seems trivial but the sun coming in the window each day helps more than I would have thought!)
Continued prayer for all 5 of our other children, as they are all in their own transition and struggling in their own unique ways, but also all in a good place of understanding that this is the best option.
And that when the bad days come, God would to speak to me through His word, filling my heart with the GOOD, easing the difficulties of the situation.
Thank you all again so much for your continued love and support and PRAYERS!! I will try to update again soon ❤️